


Emotional Transference

by starfleetdicks



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bromance, Death References, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gen, Implied Kirk/Spock - Freeform, Implied Relationships, Mind Meld, Star Trek: AOS, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-23
Updated: 2013-04-23
Packaged: 2017-12-09 06:45:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/771234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starfleetdicks/pseuds/starfleetdicks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short vignette about Kirk and Spock in the AOS timeline. Due to the mind meld with Spock Prime, Kirk struggles with survivor's guilt, an undeniable want to comfort Spock, and his own personal hero issues. </p>
<p>Set immediately after the end of the ST:XI movie and therefore includes references to Spock and Uhura's relationship with some very subtly implied Kirk/Spock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emotional Transference

Jim Kirk didn’t know much about Vulcans. 

Culturally, they were an extremely private race, keeping their lives very much secret. Even after the loss of the home planet, those survivors who had been successfully transferred to New Vulcan did not volunteer much information to outsiders or the Fleet’s transportation vehicles as to what was necessary to facilitate a comfortable living environment and the elders themselves did not divulge any culturally sensitive materials to those of the Federation.

The very little information that Kirk was privy to was thanks in part to Spock’s older self. The rest was contained in very vague textbooks he’d skimmed in his free time before and during his time in the academy. Kirk considered himself anything but stupid. His problem seemed to reside in finding topics that actually interested him, however. And there weren’t many. Vulcans, before both Spocks, held very little interest for him. 

Kirk rubbed his eyes and gratefully stood as beta shift came in to take over the bridge. He cracked his back, groaning softly, and motioned for those bridge officers who looked to him for permission to stand. 

“Get some rest, ladies and gentlemen. I know I’ll be trying to,” he grinned, patting Sulu and Chekov’s backs as they passed the captain’s chair. He sighed and glanced at Spock, who had not moved from his station, single mindedly pursuing some calculation or work or something. Kirk hadn’t bothered to ask him what he was up to the entire alpha shift and he wasn’t interested now either. 

“Spock, come on.”

“I will stay on the bridge, Captain.”

“You need to rest. I’m not taking no for an answer so you might as well humor me.”

Spock stood slowly. “Captain, I am not sure you are aware but, as I am Vulcan, it is neither important or necessary for me to sleep when humans do. I can go for much longer durations without it.” He walked slowly to the turbolift’s door with Kirk, both being the last of the alpha shift to leave. Spock stood stiffly at-ease once inside, staring fixedly at the doors.

“Look, Spock, humans don’t always rest because they need to physically. We need emotional rest too. It’s been a long day for everyone. We’ve been all sorts of busy, trying to get settled into being a well oiled machine.”

Spock’s face twitched and Kirk tried to preempt whatever miscommunication had occurred in his dialogue. 

“Yeah, yeah. I know, you probably don’t think you need some emotional rest but I think you do. Take your mind off work, meditate, whatever it is you do to relax. Do Vulcans relax?” Kirk laughed and patted Spock hard once on his back, grinning widely at the raised eyebrow it earned him. Kirk decided it was as close to a scandalized look as he’d ever get and shook his head. “It would put my mind at ease to know you were taking a breather.”

“Very well, Captain. If that is what you wish.” 

They walked down the hall to the officers’ quarters in silence and parted ways at Spock’s room. 

“Hey, look. I know you’ve got the whole emotional thing covered but I wanted you to know that, as your captain or friend or whatever, I’m here for you. And I’m sorry I couldn’t do it, couldn’t save your planet. And I’m sorry for the loss of your mother and for using that to emotionally compromise you. I know it probably doesn’t mean much, so late, but I needed to say it.” 

The look on Spock’s face faltered from his normally stoic expression only for a moment, betraying a deep sadness but no anger as far as Kirk could tell. The lack of it gave Kirk a little bit more hope for their friendship. Not that there was ever much hope but, hey, a little was better than nothing. After all, the older Spock spoke of the deep friendship he shared with his own Jim and Kirk was starting to depend on Spock’s assistance. 

“I assure you, apologies are unnecessary, Captain, as the destruction of Vulcan was not within your power to stop. Regardless, I will thank you for your words though I imagine it may be hard for a human to understand the depth of emotion that all surviving Vulcans feel for their lost planet.” The door to his room slid open and he quietly stepped in, watching Kirk from the threshold. 

Kirk smiled, though all he could feel was the aching in his chest. “You’d be surprised what this human understands.” He raised his hand when Spock opened his mouth, probably to question him, but the gesture was enough to forestall any inquires. “Good night, Spock.” He turned his back on the door to head to his own room.

Spock called down the hallway, “It seems you often keep valuable information from me, Captain. I will remember this instance also. However, I wish you a good sleep as well.” 

The sound of the door sliding closed made Kirk smile. 

In his own room, Kirk kicked off his shoes and felt blindly for his bed, not bothering to command the lights brighter. He dragged himself onto the mattress without taking off his uniform, wrapped himself tightly in the comforter, and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. 

No, Jim Kirk didn’t know much about Vulcans but he was painfully aware of what losing their home had felt like. At the very least, he knew exactly how it had felt for Spock. The older Spock had apologized when Kirk had jerked away, nearly crying at the extreme emotions that had plagued him through the meld. The memory of that day, the void it had left in his heart, those things would haunt him to the day he died. He filed it away with the death of his father. Whatever comfort he offered to Spock, there was nothing that gave them an even playing field where their parents were concerned. Kirk had been lucky enough, if lucky was what you could call it, not to know his father. Spock had grown up having his mother at his side. 

He slept and dreamed, as often was the case now, of Vulcan. His hurtling toward its surface, the fear of Spock beaming down to the crumbling planet, the sympathy for a lost parent, and that devastated expression on Spock’s face, the most human look he had ever seen on the Vulcan. 

And he woke a few hours later to a damp pillow, sniffling, and the sound of someone requesting access to his room. He stood carefully, rubbing at his face and clearing his throat. 

“Computer, lights.”

He opened the door himself when his eyes had adjusted, startled to see Spock there. 

“Spock?”

“I was unable to sleep,” Spock offered in explanation for his presence but continued to speak quickly before Kirk could interrupt him or invite him in. “Humans often share information in exchange for something else, yes? Perhaps you will be more forthwith if I divulge something I know.”

“What? I-- Come in, come in. Jesus, some ensign is going to walk down the hall and start rumors.” Uhura would have his hide for any rumors, he was sure. 

Spock stood in the center of the room after Kirk closed the door behind him. He glanced at the disheveled bed. For once, Kirk hoped someone thought he was a drooler because he didn’t really want to explain that he had cried during his sleep. Better yet, he hoped Spock just didn’t notice the pillow at all. “I have disturbed your sleep.” It wasn’t an apology but Kirk decided he might as well take it as one.

“It’s fine. It wasn’t the best sleep. Take a seat.” Kirk sat at his small dining table, motioning across from himself. “What’s all this sharing information you’re going on about?”

“I have met myself from the unaltered timeline. I am aware of his existence. If the information you withhold is due to the idea that I am unable to know of him, I can assure you that is no longer an issue.” Spock sat gracefully and seemed to tactfully ignore Kirk’s gaping. 

He frowned. “That pointy-eared bastard. I should have known he was feeding me bullcrap! Goddammit.” If he saw him again, Kirk was going to have a word or two with him about lying. 

Spock, as if reading his mind, said, “He implicitly stated that he felt he was not lying but, instead, implying.” 

“Implied my ass,” Kirk snorted. Spock watched him silently for the next several moments until Kirk realized he was waiting for something. “What?”

“I believe now is the time where you share the information you have kept from me. I am already aware that he felt it was necessary you provoke me into an emotionally expressive state but what did you mean by your earlier statement?”

Kirk tilted his head to the side, trying to remember what they had talked about before his nightmares. “Oh.” He really didn’t want to mention the mind meld. It felt like an invasion of Spock’s privacy. Even though, it wasn’t this Spock really. “We, uh. In order for me to believe him, that Spock mind melded with me. He sort of brought me up to date on everything and rounded it off with watching Vulcan be destroyed,” Kirk winced, glancing at Spock for his reaction and was surprised by what he saw.

The Vulcan looked almost apologetic. “You experienced some emotional transference?”

“Well, yeah. He said it was a side effect of the meld. But he apologized.”

Spock was quiet for sometime and Kirk almost thought he was waiting for something more until he spoke again. “It is not necessary for us to talk about my emotional experience regarding the destruction of Vulcan or the death of my mother. Lieutenant Uhura has been consistently helpful in comforting me.”

Kirk felt a twinge in his chest at that and forced a smile. Good old Uhura. He should have guessed that was why they were kissing before Kirk and Spock were meant to beam out to the Romulan ship. He had just chalked it up to a battlefield romance. Uhura must have approached Spock immediately, when Kirk was too busy arguing with him and being an ass, and helped him. He wasn’t sure why but it made him feel more than a little sad and definitely lonely. It was his fault anyway, for being argumentative. Besides, he wasn’t really alone. He had Bones. But Bones hadn’t emotionally experienced the destruction of Vulcan and they really didn't do emotional talks. 

“However, if you need someone to discuss it with as you are dealing with my emotions, I suppose I would be more than willing to help in order to make up for the mistake of my older counterpart.”

This time, it was Kirk who didn't speak for a long time. He stood, replicated himself a cup of coffee and tea for Spock when he asked and slumped back into his seat. “I blamed myself when I was old enough.”

“Excuse me?”

“For my father’s death. When I was old enough to understand why my father was never around and why I had a shitty step father, I blamed myself. When I read Pike’s dissertation, I couldn't shake it then either. I've spent almost twenty years of my life blaming myself for something I couldn't help. Logic like: if it wasn't for me, my dad wouldn't have sent my mom away on that escape shuttle. She might have been able to stay and die with him. I don’t know if she would have but she would have had the choice.”

“It is illogical to blame yourself for the events that preceded your birth.” Spock’s mouth twitched and Kirk was sure he was frowning at him. 

Kirk smiled ruefully. “ I've never been very logical. Humans aren't exceptionally logical beings, you know. The other Spock, during the mind meld, blamed himself for the destruction of Vulcan because Nero acted out of vengeance for the destruction of Romulus. He said something like, all those lives lost because of me, Jim. But it felt like it was my fault too.”

“That is only to be expected. In the mind meld, it is as if you are sharing one mind. You felt as if you were him and felt that blame personally.”

“It was more than that. That part was all him, sure, but I was on that drill. If we had subdued the Romulans in time. If I could have convinced Olson to open his chute sooner. If I hadn't needed Sulu to save me. If we had deactivated that drill before it reached the planet’s core.”

“There were many variables involved in the rescue of Vulcan. By that logic, we were all at fault. Myself for not readily believing your assessment of the situation despite my knowledge of the circumstances of the Kelvin. Captain Pike’s for sending Engineer Olson as part of the team. So on.”

Kirk laughed, rubbing his eyes and taking a long drink of his coffee. It tasted awful but it helped settle his nerves. 

“I have not known you for long, Captain, but you seem to have developed a bad habit of what I believe Terrans refer to as carrying the world on your shoulders. No one was more responsible for the destruction of Vulcan than Nero and it is unwise to continue to blame yourself.”

Kirk watched him over the edge of his coffee cup. “You don’t blame yourself for your mother’s death?”

The effect was immediate and obvious. Spock stiffened in his seat and the softening expression Kirk had spotted by the corners of his mouth tightened back into the more customary Vulcan expression. “It would be a lie to say that I do not file some blame with my own person, as I did not keep her back from the edge and near myself. I was likewise unable to quickly reach the elders and save more of them. However, whatever guilt I may feel for her death will no sooner bring her back. The expression of what may have happened does not change the events of our life that have already taken place.”

Kirk put his coffee back down on table and stared into it as if it held all the secrets of the universe and how to save people. 

“We are scheduled for a five year mission, Captain. We are sure to experience many losses. It would be unwise to begin blaming yourself for things you cannot always help. Terrans are not as advanced in their emotional control as Vulcans. The guilt would likely consume and destroy you.”

“Thank you,” He said, shaking his head. And he meant it. “Here I meant to help you and instead, you’re comforting me! I never thought I’d live to see the day.” 

Spock stood and placed a solid hand on Kirk’s shoulder. “We are merely at the beginning of our time together. Conversations like this may become a common occurrence. As First Officer, it is my responsibility to make sure you are able to operate at your best. If this is what you require of me, I am more than willing to provide it.” 

The casual touch was so unlike Spock that it made Kirk grin stupidly after him. “I must be growing on you, Spock!”

“I would not jump to such a conclusion just yet, Jim.”

“You said my name!” Kirk shouted after him as the door closed. 

When Kirk was able to sleep again, this time in a change of clothes and content, he dreamed of ice and snow, the gentle touch to the side of his face, the deep awareness of his own mind and Spock’s. And where he usually felt the heart wrenching loss of Vulcan through Spock’s mind, he remembered instead the bleeding of deep affection and trust through the meld and the look on Spock’s face when he told him that he was and always would be his friend.


End file.
